Wednesday, November 22, 2017

An Old Note


Yesterday I decided to rifle through my old cellphone. It’s an IPhone 4 that sits on my nightstand and now functions only as an alarm clock. That IPhone 4 was my first smartphone. I received it when I came home from my mission but only because the rest of my family was already upgrading to the newest version. I forget which sibling used the one they gave me, but I do know that when I left on my mission, my family only had dumb phones and then a few months later, they emailed me to say they all changed to IPhones. I guess those are the type of blessings a family receives for a having a missionary in the field? Anyways I digress…

I opened the notes app not remembering what I had stored there. I am typically a pen and paper type person, so the notes app normally remains abandoned as I prefer to write in my planner. However, I was surprised to find that I had kept quite a few lists in that phone. First was last year’s Christmas list for Dylan. I always try to scribble gift ideas down throughout the year whenever he mentions something he thinks is cool or he wants. Some of last year’s items included jeans, a guitar book, a knife, and a belt.

My next notes were quotes and song lyrics. One was a list of songs that I wanted on our wedding reception playlist.  We had a live guitarist at the reception who was able to play several of those songs, and the rest of the music made it to the dance playlist.

Finally, my last note was a list of goals I had written down in January 29th 2016. I was in Spain at that time on my solo backpacking trip. I am trying to figure out what inspired me to write down a list of goals. Maybe it was a late night video chat with Dylan, a common occurrence as I travelled. Maybe it was something I heard in a Spanish ward meeting. No matter the inspiration, it was fun to see how I compared to the 2016 Emilee.

My list of goals included:

  • Run a marathon ( I had recently ran my first and only half marathon)
  • Remain healthy and raise a healthy family
  • Create a home where the spirit can always be by reading scriptures, turning to forgiveness, and always showing love.
  • Become a yoga teacher
  • Serve an old people mission
  • Get a Master’s degree
  • Travel the world

I love how this short list shows both the change and progress I have made. I came home from Spain with an extra 10 lbs. I am sure, and I definitely didn’t lose it while running. I haven’t ran anywhere near 13 miles in the last two years, and really don’t have the goal to do so anytime soon. I still try to be a health nut but my love for ice cream and exploring new foods keeps inhibiting that goal. As for the family aspect, my tortoise Walnut is on a raw food diet, so I guess I am doing well there. Back in January 2016, I was entering my last semester of my undergraduate degree. I had talked to a professor who encouraged me to get a Master’s in Political and Environmental Science. Now that is definitely not even part of my current 5 year plan, but I did continue my education by joining the Yoga Teacher Training program which was something I always imagined doing when I was older. I still love to travel but recently haven’t been a world traveler. We do have some plans to go out of the country in 2018 though.

I used to think of goals as only a checklist. Once they were written down, I had to get them done. Of course some of the goals I wrote like “create a home where the spirit can be” are not something I can just check off, but a majority of my past and current goals are checklist worthy. With the checklist, I found myself stressing about the person I used to be or used to want to be. I felt I had let myself down or had become less of myself because I hadn’t accomplished certain goals. In the past few months, I have tried to accept that I can change and still be just as much of a person. Maybe I haven’t started my Master’s degree even though education is a top priority, but I do have my first full time job and have received 2 promotions in the last year and a half. I haven’t wanted to run my heart out, but my yoga practice is becoming stronger every day. I always thought I would be a great mom and would want to have kids very early in marriage. Instead, today motherhood seems terrifying, and I am currently enjoying the freedom and time I have with my husband.

Last night, as I looked at some of the items on my list, for once I wanted to laugh. I think a while ago I would have wanted to push myself harder or “get back in the game”. However, instead of feeling that I had fallen off the running or health food wagon, I thought about other interests I have developed. These changes really have much more to do with what takes up my time than who I truly am, so why stress about it. What I am realizing is that it is far more important to make sure that with the changes in hobbies or ideas, I am still on the right track to who I want to become. I still want to be able to serve “an old people mission” and have the spirit in my home. Am I doing the things I need to do to still be that person in the future? In the end, I probably won’t care if I don’t run a marathon or visit every country (although both would be awesome), but I will want to make sure that I had a positive attitude in life, through the running, yoga, motherhood, education, all of it and make sure that I remember who I am as a child of God.

I will continue to set goals and fill my journal with dreams. It’s exciting to work hard and to accomplish. However, I hope that in the coming months, I continue to embrace change in myself and recognize we aren’t letting anyone down by evolving into different people with new talents, strengths, or goals. I hope for change that is for the better and brings me closer to my loved ones and to who I ultimately am.   

No comments:

Post a Comment